Date: Moon year 2013, Moon day 58.
From: David Matthew
547 Rock Drive
I’m glad you have decided to be my new pen pal. It’s difficult for me to find pen pals on Earth. Can you believe those stupid pen pal websites don’t even list the Moon? Much less our language - Moonese. No one wants to learn Moonese anymore. Not since the Earth’s cold war is over. We on the moon sure hope there is a new war soon. You earthlings pay much more attention to us during a war.
You’ve noticed my English is perfect by now. With all your English radio and TV transmissions, of course it’s perfect! Some of my children don’t even speak Moonese anymore! Can you believe it? What a stupid fad English is. Same with Russian! You Earthings hardly ever visit anyway. Did you know us Moonians gave your Astronauts our most expensive moon rocks? All your people gave us back was a stupid flag. We had never seen a flag before, so you can see why we liked it so much at first. Then we realized you can’t eat a flag! What’s the point? It doesn’t even smell nice!
Let me tell you about my life on the moon. I have 2 long term mates and 43 spawn. We live in a small middle class Moon House in Crater #54. Crater #54 is your name for us. We call our town Sqyuzz. We name your geographic regions too! This is because we started naming them before you started sending us your radio messages (which we enjoy so much, thank you!) You live in Lake #567, region C5. Why do you call it Lake Charles now? Why not Lake Shirley? Haha! I guess Charles owns the lake and not you.
At work I convert sun light into small entertainment products. I work at a big “exchange” factory on what you call the “Dark side of the moon.” Now you are thinking, why is there a sunlight exchange on the Dark side of the moon! Well let me tell you - your government isn’t the only inefficient one! That’s right, our United Moon government built a sunlight exchange on the dark side of the moon! Did the government admit their mistake? No! They built a network of mirrors to bring sunlight to us! Can you believe it? I’m sure you can, since your government is always building those sun + carbon exchanges that make calorie-dense “foodstuffs” as you call it. Only then to employ people to exchange it back to carbon! I bet you joke about your governments just as much as we do!
I’m very curious about your life on Earth. What types of rocks do you enjoy most? I like ones high in iron myself. You said you studied Chemistry so I’m sure you know a lot about good food! Can you tell me why humans differentiate Chemists from chefs? In Moonese we use the same word for both. I never see Earthlings eating on the TV shows. I’m not even sure where your mouths are! You have to admit you Earthlings are odd creatures. How do you even tell each other apart? On the moon we track Earthlings (for scientific study) by their carbon to salt ratios.
Shirley - what do Earthlings do when not at work - that is making TV shows. We know a lot about your actors. We don’t understand what your past times are. When humans aren’t making mildly entertaining jokes about sex or talking about some minor war - what is it they do? Do you have a spawn yourself? Maybe a family as your TV shows talk about? Is your family 2-d or 3-d? I don’t mean to offend, but do you look like one of those people who seems like a drawing or one that looks like a photograph? I’m sure Earthlings don’t describe that way - I am just so ignorant of your Earthling culture!
I hope you will write me back soon. I know how expensive Earth to Moon letters are. I’ll understand if you just send me a TV show back.
Hope to hear from you soon.